I read somewhere, the only difference between a first marriage and a second is this: the second time, you know it's a gamble. You know that you just don't know. In my years of being single again, I spent a lot of time wondering. What if I ever get married again? What would be different? […]
"Mom, I wish you had some kind of record of the things I said when I was little." The incredulous look on my face may have been apparent to him, and I didn't mind. I wasn't hiding it. "Tyler, are you kidding me right now?" "Yeah, I just wish there was some way to know […]
The thing is, I’ve lived a very, very sad story for the last five years. I’m crying today because it’s still sad. No matter what else is true, is coming true, will later be true, that story I lived is still true. Five years later, it unfolds in movie scenes. You know how it is... […]
I made Mexican Queso tonight for dinner, and you would have thought the circus was coming to town for the great delight I found in every single detail. Or something better than that, since I’m only so-so on the circus. My joy was definitely far greater than the traveling routines of elephants and clowns. The boys […]
"What do you feel like you know, on that side of marriage?" On this side of marriage, I do think I know a few things I didn't know before - before I married him, before he died, before I found air to breathe again. I know now that it's harder than you think it's going […]
"Guys, this week, a friend of mine is coming to take some pictures of us. She's an author and a photographer, and she's writing a book about courageous women." "What is 'courageous'?" "It means strong and brave and victorious." "So, why is she coming to take pictures of us?" (I deliberately choose not be offended […]
He was playing with some new (albeit thus far nameless) friends at the play area at the mall. They leapfrogged over giant toads and balanced on logs. They climbed up when I asked them to slide down. I asked them to go feet first and forward. They went head first and backward. They are boys, […]
In Captivating, Stasi Eldridge writes a beautiful story about a time when she her husband John decide to go canoeing in a river at night in the Grand Tetons. She writes about the colors of the day fading into the night, from cobalt to silver to black. They navigated the waters and had a wondrous […]
There are times when I find my heart in someone else's words. When that's the case, I don't try to say it myself, because I just couldn't say it better. Meet: Brad. Brad's story and mine are nearly direct parallels: he lost his beautiful wife in October 2010, just weeks before I would encounter the […]
You just never know when something you fear will be easier than you think. Hooray for new beginnings.
There's a theory of 'desensitizing,' where a person slowly reintroduces themselves to the environment of a traumatic event, and they begin to see there's no inherent danger, that maybe this can really be okay. This is my plan. As much as it depends on me, I will enjoy this holiday season, the songs, the lights, […]
Dear Tripp and Tyler, Your comedy saved my life. When my husband died, my world became very small. I was asleep or at Starbucks. I couldn't bear to be in my home, yet I was terrified to leave. Nights were the worst, because the trauma replayed whether I was awake or asleep. I couldn't get […]
Here's a look into my therapist's office. I'm in a pretty angry place again. It's hard to be angry with someone who's not alive. It's a mess of emotions, let me tell you. Jana says gently, "Tell me what you're mad about." I tick things off with my fingers, listing my grievances. That's when I […]
I meant to wake up at 6:30. That was the plan. But the sound of my alarm wove itself right into my dream, and I slept right through it, as if this were any old day - not The Day we had been waiting for. I got up at 7:15. Not a travesty in the […]
"Guys, I have such a great idea. I am starting to plan my calendar for the winter and spring, because sometimes I'll be traveling to speak and teach and talk about the book. I was thinking… would you like to go with me on those trips?" Their eyes lock with one another, sparkling with pictures […]
Robb and I had a no good, very bad, terrible, horrible history of watching movies together. Any trip to Blockbuster ended in an argument and extreme conclusions drawn about ourselves and our marriage. He had lots of rules for which movie to pick. If it doesn't have enough big names in it, then it probably […]
As we left church today, Tucker held the door for me. And as I passed by, I heard myself say, "Thank you, Robb."
A bird flew into our house. She was throwing herself against the window, a fluster of wings and beak. I watched her, waiting for her to land on the windowsill, for however briefly she might rest her wings. She let me pick her up. I cupped my hands around her. Her feet […]
I've done a bit of research this week. Focus groups, if you will. "Tell me: What do you have in your closet that you don't wear, don't need, don't use, but you will not part with?" The answer are broad. And telling. (As all answers should be.) "My cheerleading uniform from high school." "An orange […]
"I withdrew from grad school, Jana." "Oh, did you?" She jotted this on her notebook, undoubtedly adding it to her list of baby steps I've taken. "Yes. I don't need that right now. I mean, you're encouraging me to eliminate things that are unnecessary, anything that can go? Grad school. That's not something I need […]
