"Mommy, this thing of you going off by yourself sometimes? It's not going to happen anymore." "It probably will, buddy." "But then I cry." "Did you cry tonight while I was gone?" "No." "Well, see? That's good. And I came back. I always come back." "But you're not going to go anywhere on your own […]
Do you know what he used to do? He used to warm up my side of the bed. He would lay there, in my spot, so the sheets would be warm when I climbed in. And then he would move over to the cold side and start all over again, warming a spot for himself. […]
I cried, cried, cried. I cried so much, Tucker started to cry. I wanted to stop crying for him, if not for me. But I couldn't. He climbed into my lap. His language is touch. He wrapped himself around me. We cried together. "I miss Daddy," I said. "You are safe, buddy. I'm just so […]
I always have a book with me. Physically and always, I have a book with me. I just learned there is a name for this: vade mecum. vay-dee-MEE-kum noun. 1. a book for ready reference: manual. 2. something regularly carried about by a person. "Vade mecum" is Latin for "go with me." Could there be […]
O God, I know that if I do not love Thee with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and with all my strength, I shall love something else with all my heart and mind and soul and strength. Grant that putting Thee first in all my lovings I may be […]
O God, I know that if I do not love Thee with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and with all my strength, I shall love something else with all my heart and mind and soul and strength. Grant that putting Thee first in all my lovings I may be […]
"Mommy, tell me everything Daddy was good at that you're not." Everything? And it has to be things I'm not good at? Things exclusive to him? That's a tall order, kiddo. My dandelion boy looks to me with anticipation, ready to take notes if only he knew how to write. "Daddy was very organized. He […]
There is a benefit to now. There is a grace in the first year: people expect grief to overwhelm. They expect the isolation, the empty mind, the wordlessness, the side effects, the absence of one's spirit. There is grace. Unfortunate is the one who cannot grieve in the window of grace. Unfortunate is the one […]
Hey, babe, I'm sorry for texting sometimes while you were talking to me. I'm sorry for the times when you told a joke, but I didn't laugh. I'm sorry if I ever let you feel lonely. I'm sorry if you ever had to wonder where you fit in my heart. I'm sorry for the […]
I was grocery shopping with two boys. You know. My favorite. The usual acrobatic routine of the wrestling brothers, the tipping cart, the try to remember the list, the race to the finish. We turned a corner to find our neighbor, Miss Jenny. She was making the rounds herself, although she was flying solo. Her […]
Sometimes I like to think about the unnamed characters in the Bible, the perspective we don't get to hear about. Take, for instance, Zebedee's wife. I've been thinking on this paragraph, where Jesus asks James and John, the sons of Zebedee, to follow him, to be his disciples, to become fishers of men. "When he […]
Everybody brings stuff. He brings his, she brings hers, and together they build a relationship that starts with the invisible elements they each brought. Some of the stuff is beautiful. Skills and gifts that help one to love well. Laughter that is contagious. Arms that are safe, strong, familiar. Eyes that listen, eyes that smile. […]
I know these symptoms. In the morning he has a runny nose, and by nightfall, we can land in the ER. It's the nature of Respiratory Airway Disease. Zero to sixty in .2 seconds. Tuck was showing all the classic signs of decline, and I had tapped all of my at-home resources and remedies. We […]
If I were to describe my first year without Robb in just a few words, I would choose these: Shocked. Terrified. Blind. Numb. I was in shock of many kinds, emotional and physical. I spent months not believing that this was really real. I spent nights writhing in panic and disbelief, the freezing sweat of […]
Thoughts in 2007... Well, here I am. A stay-at-home mom with two little tiny guys. Tucker is two, Tyler is four months old, Robb is loving us and climbing the corporate ladder, and we're tangled up in diapers, a double stroller, adventures to the park, and pleas for my sanity. I need an outlet. Maybe […]
