Ranch Dressing and Orgasms

ranch dressing

“Mom, did you know they make ranch dressing seasoning?” one son says.

“I feel like she bought that already,” says the other son.

“No, not the dressing mix. It’s in a shaker. Like parmesan cheese,” says one son.

“I had a bad experience with ranch dressing,” says the other son.

“What was it?”

“Uncle Rob said I could have all the money in his wallet if I drank a whole ramekin of it.”

“Was it worth it?”

“It was like three dollars. And now I hate ranch dressing forever, so.”

“I thought it was ketchup,” says one son. “Mom, wasn’t it ketchup?”

“I feel like he would know what it was,” I say.

“Mom, didn’t you one time make like a hundred dollars on a dollar bet like that?”

I smile remembering the scene, the wager, and the bet I didn’t take.

“Yes, Aunt Patty offered me all the money in her wallet. But I didn’t do it.”

“What did she bet you to do?”

She dared me to do… that scene from When Harry Met Sally.

In an Applebee’s.

In front of my husband.

And my parents.

My guys forge ahead with what they think they know. “Didn’t she want you to perform something? Like, something in a restaurant? From your favorite movie?”


“What did she want you to do?”

It’s like they know.

“She wanted me to re enact a scene in a movie,” I say, skating carefully around it.

“What was it?”

Oh, whatever. I’ll tell them. These are crazy times and we need something to spice up our dinner conversation these days.

“In the movie, the woman pretends to have an orgasm.”

All the eyebrows go up.

“Mom, what’s an orgasm?” says one son.

The other son pats me on the back. A nonverbal, “Good luck with this.”

“It’s… the best part of sex.”

“I don’t get it. I’m confused.”

“It’s… like, the moment. The best moment.”

“How could she fake it? In a restaurant??”

“She… made a lot of the right noises.”


“Can I watch that movie, Mom?”

“I don’t think you’d like it.”


“It’s a lot of talking, not a lot of action.”

“Then why do you love it?”

“It’s written by my favorite writer.”

“Jen Hatmaker?”

“No, though I do love her.”

“She’s all you talk about.”

“She’s not all I talk about, though I do love her. She doesn’t make movies, though. This movie was written by Nora Ephron.”

“Like Zac Efron?”

“No. Homophones, yes. But not in the same family.”

“So we can’t see that scene?”

As if they won’t google it as soon as they have screen time.

“How are those fish sticks?” I ask.

“Orgasm.” One son practices the word.

The other son pats me on the back again. Good luck with that.

“I feel like I want to blog this.”

“Fine by me,” says one son.

“Start with the ranch dressing,” says the other son.

Peter was silent the entire time. Not a single word.

Tricia Lott Williford

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  1. filters are so important —- I have first hand experience as to why and also the good point of knowing that they don’t know how to remove the filter. Covenant Eyes is a great one as far as filters are concerned! I saw so much stuff when I substitute taught high school and middle school. Pornography and the easy access to it is a big big problem in our world today!

  2. The best part of sex — “the best moment”—- what a good way to describe it to these young men/boys —- without giving away too much detail — the detail can wait – ha! Love your writing as always! XO

  3. Thanks for the giggle!!! I luv your blog! 😀

  4. We’ll miss you.

  5. Tricia, I’ve always enjoyed most of your blogs since I first heard you on Focus on the Family on the radio and started subscribing by email. While I am much older than you and lost my husband almost 10 years ago, I was drawn to your writings because of your gift in expressing feelings with words. You have the ability to express emotions that only someone who has experienced loss can relate. For those of us who do not have that gift with words, there is a deep satisfaction, even a bit of healing, perhaps, in hearing and reading someone who can. Thank you beyond measure for these few years of sharing raw emotion and truth. I rejoice that you have Peter in your life and your marvelous boys.

    I think it may be time for me to stop subscribing. I’ve felt this last year that some blogs share “too much information” that may have been better left within the confines of your inner circle of family. This one just felt it crossed that line. Of course younger mothers may not feel that way and I’m into Gramma years. You’re moving into blogs that deal more with raising children, etc., and that is understandable. Just know how much I appreciate the years your blogs touched me as no other person could. I pray God’s best to you and your family.

  6. Peter: wise man.

  7. Tricia, I hope you have parental controls on your sons’ computers (and they don’t know how to override them). And I hope all your sons’ friends have parental blocks on their computers. Because Googling that word (maybe even using it in the context of this blog) is going to invite a world of sleaze into your home.

  8. Wait. Peter was silent?

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