The boys went away for a day with some friends of ours, people whom I trust, people who love them. I had no hesitations. Except for one.
My intuition is pretty spot on, and I have a long history of implicit knowing that’s proven true, true, true. Still, you can’t go through life cancelling plans because of a bad dream.
I sent the boys on the adventure with a sense of pending doom. It was such an odd mix of emotions. Fearlessness is an unexpected fruit in my life now. The only thing that worries or scares me is the fear that my children will be afraid. And I felt oddly sure that they would be afraid that day. It just seemed like a matter of fact and a matter of time: something bad was going to happen.
I waited for the phone call. I stayed mobile, ready to get in the car and get to my children, since I was certain they would need me in a big way. I would follow my own advice, and I would do the next thing.
I folded their laundry after I sent them on their way, and I even found myself thinking, What will I do with all of their clothes and toys? What will I do with them tomorrow?
I have to tell you, I don’t know what to do with my own intuition since it is so often accurate. When it is not coupled with fear, when it is only an implicit knowing, I don’t know what to do with it.
Jana says that’s a very normal response to my own trauma, that I would prepare myself for the worst, that I would be sure not to be blindsided again.
At the end of the day, the boys came home safely.
The friend who had driven them apologized for bringing them a little late. Apparently there had been a fatal accident on I-25 and they had been detoured.
Of course I will never know if I prayed them out of that danger.
I do not know what to do with implicit knowing that is not coupled with fear. Except to remind myself that I will do what must be done, no matter what.