White Water Rapids and Lipstick.

Robb and I went on a whitewater rafting trip when we had been married for a year or so. We camped with probably a dozen other couples, and we all donned our lifejackets and hit the rapids the next day.

I remember feeling that combination of afraid and excited and incredulous and brave and what are we thinking, but so ready to do this because it was on our collective bucket list.

We listened so carefully to the guide, listening to his advice on how to handle the greatest fear.

“If you get knocked out of the boat, don’t try to fight the current. Don’t try to stand, swim against the current, or even swim to a bank on the side. Just pick up your knees and let the water carry you. It’s stronger than you, bigger than you, and it’s going to do what it’s going to do. If you fight it, you’re only wasting your energy and causing a greater risk to yourself. So pick up your knees, float on your back, and wait to see where the river takes you. It’s the safest thing you can do, and I promise we will come find you, wherever you land.”

I don’t recall that I needed to heed his advice, particularly because the water level was record low that summer, and for even part of the rafting trip, the four of us got out of the raft and carried it across the emerged rocks in the middle of the river.

But his words found their way into my subconscious, only emerging today, so many years later.

I woke up this morning with the stiff tenderness of knowing it is December 23. My body knows the date long before I look at a calendar. In fact, I’m pretty sure I could pay no attention to the date and my physiology would still respond on the day of remembering.

The 22nd is annually more difficult than the 23rd, though neither day is one for cartoons and lemonade.

The 22nd is the day when everything was okay, good, healthy, and right with my world. And I just want to swoop into that happy scene and scoop everyone up before lightning strikes.

By the time I wake up on the 23rd, the moment of crisis has passed. He had already been pronounced. His life ended before the sun came up. It’s one small gift in the whole tragedy of it all: I don’t have to count the hours and watch the clock, count the seconds and listen to the tick-tocks of the end.

I woke up this morning, sure enough, three hours after the moment I can still picture and hear and revisit if I want to. Or if I don’t want to.

I had carefully planned this day, calling in reinforcements to give my kids a super-fun day and providing myself with acres of margin. And as I started the day, I went through my list of possibilities.

I could go to Starbucks.
I should write. For fun and for deadlines.
I need to clean the kitchen.
I have more wrapping to do.
Stocking stuffers.
Gifts for my dad.
I could…
I should…
I would…

But I couldn’t string two thoughts together. It took my greatest concentration to get myself home after dropping the boys off for their day. Everything in me begged for rest.

I climbed back into bed, feeling like a failure for not pushing through and getting myself out of bed and out of the house. I’ll just sleep for an hour, I told myself. Just for an hour.  Or two. Or just a little bit longer.

I slept until 3:00 pm.

Just as the guide had said – When you’re knocked out of the boat, don’t fight what is stronger than you. Lift your knees, surrender to the current, and let it carry you until it sets you down.

At 3:00, after sleeping the very day away, I was just very suddenly finished. I got dressed, from boots to lip gloss and a great pashmina, and I smiled at my cute self in the mirror.

Sometimes you’ve got to pretty yourself up just for you. Even if nobody else will see you to swoon.

You’ll know that you rode the current and landed safely. With lip gloss, no less.

Tricia Lott Williford

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  1. My Sweet Tricia, I just love this post. Tom was diagnosed the day after Christmas and we have had a series of family trauma since then. Christmas day was a tough day and I felt myself slipping into the dark hole. The “counselor” in the family got a bit stern and said “don’t go there, do you see what you are doing?” Frankly I wanted to slap her but I felt as you did, disappointed in myself that I did not have more resolve to fight it. Thank you for giving me permission to ride the wave. Sometimes that is all I can do. This day it was all I could do. I find that often when I try to fight against it I end up panicking because it just takes so much effort to not feel the pain that is still so present in my life. Thank you.

  2. Your thoughts, feelings, words…they touch my heart. Been whispering prayers for you this week.

  3. I am glad you rode the current, Tricia, and slept until 3:00, then got dressed and prettied up! Lift your knees, etc…great advice.

  4. I wish I could express just how much your blog means to me. Thank you for opening yourself this way. It really makes a difference for little me, and I know there are many, many, many little mes in this world.

  5. Hi Tricia, I loved this article! Every year at this same time I feel sluggish and down and wonder why I’m not in the Christmas spirit. But then the memory comes, remembering when I got the call about Robb and I remember why I feel the way I do. through the holidays my entire family prays for you and the kids. I was given a wonderful angel candle as a gift that year. So each year we put out the candle and light it before we give thanks for our family friends and food and remember Robb and the other loved ones who are now our Christmas angels and those who are still with us. I’m glad you kept your feet up and let the river guide you to where you are now. Merry Christmas! Michele Forsyth

  6. Even though I don’t know you… You’ve been on my mind for a few days leading up to today. Praying for you and your boys and always admiring your strength.

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