May 25, 2013

Sky, Stars, Moon, Crickets, Tears.

The sky is beautiful from my backyard. I'm sitting out here under the stars.

Sweet full moon, I thought you were a spotlight in someone's yard. How much more I like you, knowing who you are. Shine on me tonight.

I made some mistakes today. I should have trusted my instincts. I let my child play where I thought he shouldn't have gone, and he was introduced to a world of cable channels he had not known. He is six years old, with horror images from 'the scary channel.'

Sweet Jesus, you have washed those from his mind tonight, I believe. Tyler and I asked you to, we asked you to be near to him, to give him sweet things to think about. We know you are not the God of fear, and when things frighten us at night or during the day, these are not thoughts from you. Thank you for helping my son to be strong and courageous. For you are with him wherever he goes, even into his very own top bunk. He sleeps because he rests in you.

O, warm tears, I know you so well. Rain on me. I miss you when you are gone for too long. There is a nectar all your own. I can taste it tonight.

I miss you, Robb. I miss you because I miss you because I miss you. I have come outside tonight because my hand wandered to the empty side of the bed, and after two and a half years of sleeping alone, I could nearly suffocate in the cool emptiness of the clean sheets. I cannot believe this story continues to be true.

Crickets, thank you for your song. I'm listening.

God, just as I prayed with my son tonight, speaking the truth that you are not the author of fear, in that very moment I remembered as well that you are not the author of confusion. When I am afraid or confused (tonight I am confused and thereby afraid), I can know my thoughts do not come from you.

But what on earth are you doing?
What are you doing to me?
What are you doing at all?
My questions pile high.
Tonight I am too fearful to write them down.

But this I can ask: how does a person take a single step without knowing you? Even when my path is unclear, when questions rattle in my mind, still I know who to ask. What does anyone do without your companionship? What does anyone do when they don't believe in you even enough to be angry with you?

I do not trust you tonight. But I want to.

Sweet moon, shine on me.
Warm tears, rain on me.
Crickets, sing to me.

Do what you were made to do, that I may as well.

4 comments on “Sky, Stars, Moon, Crickets, Tears.”

  1. Oh my, this is so touching. How can something be so tragic and so beautiful at the same time? Your heart cry reminds me so much of a Psalm. Honest, raw, yet in the end (your last sentence) somehow hopeful.
    May God bless you, Tricia, as you trust--without seeing his plan--in Him.
    ~Kim A.

  2. It has been two and half years for me too (may 18th). I miss him and our love for each other. I miss the companionship, the friendship. the physical touch. I miss him. I am so lonely. It would hurt him a lot to know that I am still feeling so much pain. But, I am never alone, I have my Lord and He is my husband. I do not know what people do when they don't know Him. No one knows the deep pain I feel, I hide it a lot. God knows. He listens to my cries in the night and He hears me. He is sustaining me. I pray this pain will eventually diminish.

  3. Thank you for sharing. Beautiful. And I can so fully relate.
    Continuing to pray for you along your journey.

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