There are two groups of people: those who exercise and those who don’t.

I don’t. I applaud you sweaty weirdos who enjoy such nonsense, but I don’t join you. I don’t exercise. I don’t believe in it.

Here’s the thing.

People who exercise seem so miserable. All sweaty and sticky and greasy and salty. They say things like, “Please don’t look at me – don’t get too close. I just left the gym.” See, I would not like for there to be an assured moment of each day when I am publicly stricken, embarrassed by my own condition. I’m not signing up for that.

Now, if its fun and it also happens to be exercise? Sure. Like, a bike ride. Or bowling. Or jumping on the trampoline. If I’m enjoying myself and I happen to burn a few calories: score.

A whole lot of those exercisers like to post their daily stride on Facebook. I get it. It’s like a virtual poster with gold stars for you, all those little updates of miles and calories.

There are two other groups of people: those who read and those who don’t. I do.

Seemingly, people who exercise are convinced that the rest of us are missing out. People who read are convinced that everyone else is missing out. It’s one big pride fest.

I’m thinking of launching a new Facebook trend.

My statuses may include the following:

I’m thinking of starting a new book on Saturday. Any recommendations on the best ways I can do it without hurting myself?

I read 47 pages tonight! Best distance yet! Whew! Feels good!!

I’m going to start and finish a book on Saturday morning before the sun comes up. Who will come watch me read?

I will be so encouraged to have a whole crew of people (in matching shirts) to cheer me on at the end of each chapter. Totally keeps me going to the last page.

Seriously, Exercisers Anonymous, great job. And great heart rate, I presume.

Please don’t write to tell me all the joys and benefits of exercise. I’m probably not going to start, unless I’m seriously attracted to a man involved in the activity.

But even then, he’s probably not going to steal my heart by inviting me to the gym.

Now, if he tells me about a book he can’t put down… Well, then.

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