June 2, 2012

Wrenching Ache of Joy

Happy and sad are not opposites.

They are actually very similar emotions: they convey deep care, strong significance.

Their opposite is apathy.

As happiness has come my way with feedback from publishers and hope of book(s), I wept.

Deep, deep sadness. A wrenching ache of joy.

I wanted to tell Robb. I wanted him to sweep me off my feet in that enveloping way he could. I wanted dinner out. I wanted him.

I ordered pizza and watched Netflix with two little boys. They fell asleep on the couch. Their sleeping faces make me hurt with love.

So many emotions, all vying for the lead. All I could feel was lonely.

Writing is my therapy, but a book is not my cure.

As the story emerges as beauty from ashes, it does not bury my ache.

I guess I thought it would.

3 comments on “Wrenching Ache of Joy”

  1. Oh I remember these waves of exciting joy, that for a short time, help us set aside the underlying grief. (I bought a cute little house after my divorce and this numbed the pain for...oh, two weeks?) Thankfully, these small glimpses of happiness do help and push us forward, but they don't replace what was lost. That said, when you fall in love again someday, with a very good man, I promise you this will be the closest thing to a "cure" for the unrelenting loneliness and sadness where "every moment is filled with the missing of Robb." See these small joys and blessings as little life-ropes to keep you hanging on until the one the Lord has planned for you arrives, in His timing. Every day you make it through grief, is one day closer to the time when you'll feel peace and joy and love in more reliable steady waves. How I hate that someone as precious as you are is having to endure this. Prayers surround you. And a fabulous book contract awaits you soon, I am sure. Not exactly a husband, I know. But hey, it beats a poke in the eye with sharp stick, right? 🙂

  2. congratulations on the positive feedback and possible book. i can understand the bittersweet feelings~ i, too, hate that robb is not here to celebrate with you, but i'm sure he's rejoicing for/with you. afterall~ he is a big part of this. 🙂 you have a beautifully gifted way with words and i wish you MUCH success. God bless, tricia.

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