My heart catches everyday on a snag I didn’t see coming.  It’s still happening to me.

We go out for pizza, and the hostess says, “Just the three of you?”  Yes.  The three of us.  Just.

The security system malfunctions at our house.  I call ADT to determine the problem.  The very kind man on the other end of the line sends me on a scavenger hunt in the basement, looking for outlets that any responsible home owner should be able to find.  My husband would know where they are.

My dad arrives at our house one evening, and the boys, in their delight, call upstairs to me: “Mommy!  Come see Daddy!!”

And for a split second, a fraction of that split second, my heart forgets what is true, remembering instead the days when this happened every night at dinnertime.

And in that moment, my children correct themselves.  “I mean, not Daddy… Come see your daddy!”

The grieving woman inside me says, “Write about it.”

The creative writer inside me says, “You already told a story very similar to this one.”

…I will carry it with me, all of my days.
Even if I don’t write about it.

I don’t write them all.  But they’re still happening everyday.

A dear friend wrote to me recently.  I’ve only met her once, but that’s the beauty of cyberspace: once is enough, since we’re in the same space everyday.

She and her husband have a bittersweet story of infertility and adoption, of waiting and waiting and finally bringing their son home from the other side of the world.  Now that he is here, now that he is theirs, many people often mistake the condition of her heart.

They say things like,
“I’m so thankful you don’t have to be sad anymore.”
“I’m so glad that season is over for you.”
“I’m so thankful you don’t have to feel that loss.”

She wrote to me to say, yes, she loves her little man with her whole heart.  But his life and hers carried a brokenness of its own before he came to his mom and dad.  There is hurt that she will always carry, even though there are reasons to smile today.  Their happiness is built on loss.

“Tricia, no matter how many happy status updates or blog entries you have in a row, I will never assume your sadness is gone.  I will remember that, in your heart, there will always be sadness.”

I will carry it with me, all of my days.

Even if I don’t write about it.

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